We named him Alexander

When Adam and I got married, we knew we would have kids. More than a couple kids. Probably a bunch of kids. I got pregnant just a few months after our wedding, and it bothered a lot of people. They thought I was too young, and they thought it was too soon. But I was excited (thrilled!) and Adam was excited (nervous!).



After Abigail was born I realized I loved being a Mom even more then I had imagined. When she was about 18 months, I got pregnant again. Adam and I decided to wait until Thanksgiving (I would be 12 weeks) to tell our families. 5 days after we made our wonderful announcement, I miscarried.

I was crushed. The Doctors didn't look into it, saying miscarriage was so common, it was nothing to be concerned about. They told me to try again, so 3 months later I got pregnant. Again. And 4 weeks later, I miscarried. Again. The Doctors repeated the same thing, it was common, no cause for concern. They didn't make me feel any better.

5 months after my second miscarriage, I was pregnant for the fourth time. After a very healthy pregnancy, Beckham was born. I was overjoyed, and relieved.

We waited until Beckham was over a year old, and on a good schedule before we started thinking about having another baby. In August 2009 I got pregnant for the fifth time. Right away I had terrible morning sickness. I had it with all of my pregnancies, but this time was worse than ever before. I wanted to wait a few months before telling everybody I was pregnant again, but I couldn't hide being sick. I finally started getting over the constant nausea around the 12 week mark. Even though the morning sickness was getting better, I still felt really bad. No energy, really dizzy, and I started running a fever every night.

I changed Doctor's offices, and made an arrangements to start seeing a midwife. Her practice was very busy, and I couldn't see her right away. My first appointment was scheduled for a late Monday afternoon. I took the last appointment of the day, so Adam could have time to drive home from Wisconsin where he had preached over the weekend. He called in the middle of the afternoon and told me he was stuck in construction traffic and couldn't possibly be home in time to go with me.

I went by myself, and really liked my new midwife, Helen. She talked with me for a long time, and then wanted to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She was using the little doppler machine, but couldn't hear a heartbeat. She didn't seem worried, and told me I might not be as far along as I originally thought (15 weeks), and if the baby was younger than 10 weeks it would be almost impossible to find a heartbeat with a doppler. She brought me into another room that had an ultrasound machine. As soon as she turned the machine on, the screen showed a perfectly formed baby laying completely still. Arms, legs, fingers, and toes, but no heartbeat.

I sat in Helen's office and cried for a very long time. She waited with me until I was ready to leave, and said she would call me in the morning. I drove 50 miles home, by myself, still crying. Adam went with me the next day for a detailed ultrasound. After talking with Helen about what to do, she told me how dangerous having a miscarriage at 15 weeks could be, and recommended having surgery instead. I took her advice and she scheduled the surgery for that Thursday. I dreaded it. I tried to stay awake for as long as I could after they gave me anesthesia in the operating room. I knew that when I woke up, the baby that I wanted so desperately and loved so much, would be gone forever.

The weeks that followed were filled with the worst emotions I've ever dealt with. I was sad all day, and had nightmares every night. Adam was very considerate of my feelings. He would pray for me, and stay up most of the night playing cards with me, to keep my mind occupied.

I made many trips to see a fertility specialist who wanted to test for every possible factor that could be causing recurrent miscarriages. 40+ blood tests, 4 ultrasounds, tissue samples, and chromosome analysis. The Doctor couldn't find anything wrong, at all.

The only thing we learned during all the testing was the gender of the baby we had just lost. Our baby was a boy, we named him Alexander. He was due on May 7th, 2010. Today would have been his second birthday. I can't wait to meet him someday.

A year after we lost Alexander, Jonas was added to our family. When he was just hours old, I remember looking at his tiny face, and thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong, but didn't. I had never been so amazed or thankful. I realize that each night when I tuck my 3 beautiful, healthy, growing kids in bed, it is nothing short of a miracle.